Live, laugh and love wholeheartedly until there is time- In memory of Zalan Orcsik.

All my life if anyone asked me what my biggest fear is, my answer would always be that one day I receive a phone call that changes everything forever because there will be no more time. No more time to reach out to that person, no more time to look into that person's eyes, no more time to hear that person's voice, no more time to exchange thoughts, feelings, dreams and fears with that person, no more time to make memories together because all you have of that person is memories in itself... The time of those heartbeats, the time of that person in this existence is up. There is no more time to make up for the time you have lost, no more time to have one last conversation, no more time to express your gratitude for their presence in your life, no more time to speak those unspoken words, no more time to say your goodbye.

And for the first time in my life, having no more time makes me late, so very late... I am two years late since our last conversation (which I would have never assumed was going to be our very last one) and one year late with my grief. Yes, that is how much you can let yourself lose touch with someone you deeply care about that it takes you a whole year to accidentally find out that they are gone, for good. I have always been a girl trying to life by the saying 'In the end, we only regret chances we didn't take.', a girl who has always taken chances no matter how bold, how scary, how 'out-of-my-comfort zone' they might be because when I get to the end of my road, I want to look back and see a fully lived life behind me, not an empty one filled with regrets. And yet, here I am for the first time ever, with this unfamiliar, heavy and painful feeling called regret. I now understand what regret feels like because two years ago I made a decision driven by fear. 

Our story with Zalan started 10 years ago and as we always joked about it since, we used to have this boomerang effect on each other's life. I would be gone for a long time, then go home for a visit, we would see each other and have the most wonderful and soulful conversations, then I would leave again, we would both get back to our everyday lives with sometimes exchanging messages, checking in on each other until the boomerang effect would hit the next time again we see each other in person. And years were running by, we could go months, even years without being in touch but the boomerang effect would repeat itself over and over pulling us like magnets to meet each other again and again (even if we didn't plan to, we would still bump into each other every time). Until, there we were two years ago, adults, both single, trying to make sense of why our paths were still crossing each other's after all those years...on the edge of willingness to finally give into the sparks that we always had between us, on the edge of willingness to throw all logic out the window that had kept us away from ever doing that (I had my life settled in Manchester with no plans to move back home and he had his life settled in my hometown). Zalan bought a plane ticket to Manchester to come and visit me for a few days to show how willing he was to give up his life back home, if we decided to finally give us a chance, together... And two weeks before his flight I got scared. For the first time in my life, I was terrified by giving love a chance. I was scared of the responsibility that comes with someone moving out of their comfort zone for me, I was scared of what people back home might think if this wasn't working out, I was scared to get scares on my heart again. So in our very last phone conversation I asked him not to come. Driven by fear of the unknown, I told him I couldn't put him or myself through this. He understood it, he respected it but he also made me promise that this was the last time we let this boomerang effect turn each other's lives upside down. He did add that this promise wouldn't apply for our next lives because he believed that then we could maybe get a chance to change the ending of our story, and he promised to be waiting for our next boomerang effect there and then with a place in his heart for me. And with that said, we parted for the very last time...

Zalan committed suicide a year ago. My family knew that the news would break me down and they decided not to tell me about it until I am home the next time so I wouldn't have to face grief alone in the distance. They also knew that the chances of me finding out about it living so far away were very slim. And they were right in both regards. The news even two years after our last contact shattered me into pieces and the chances of me finding out about Zalan being gone were that slim that it took my intuition a whole year to wake up and realise that it had been long since I saw any of his social media activity. So as you do living in the 21^st century, you go onto facebook and start searching among your list of friends. No results found. By this, I wasn't that surprised since our thinking was quite similar in many ways, I simply thought he must have blocked me to ensure I couldn't get in touch with him even if I wanted to break my promise. So Google came next. And there it was, his picture and date of death. And that sinking feeling of shock, loss, sadness and remorse hitting me like strong waves of grief because all the sudden the chance to ever solve our 'unfinished business', at least in this lifetime, perished. Instead, what there was, all these 'what could have, would have, should have' monologues running through my head and heart. And that is the most painful state I have ever found myself in because for the first time in my life there is no more time to change the storyline, I cannot hope that fate will make us bump into each other again the next time I am home so I can say all the things I didn't the last time we spoke.

Last week I came across an audio recording of a Tony Robbins seminar that left me with a powerful message resonating. He was talking about how we, as individuals, are in charge of and responsible for our own emotions. He said no one and nothing can make you feel a certain way, it is YOU who gives into and gets consumed by that particular (negative/ character-testing) emotion without questioning or navigating it. It is only YOU who can turn that emotion around in a constructive way, neutralising your perception of what triggered that emotion. And as the ONLY thing we have control over in this world is ourselves, he suggested that the next time a particular character-testing emotion arises, a simple question would be asked: 'What else could this mean?'. So after two days of uncontrollable tears and immerse pain of loss, I decided to ask myself the same question... What else could Zalan's death mean for my life? And the answer from the universe came loud and clear as his legacy: 'Live, laugh and love wholeheartedly until there is time'.

I truly believe everything happens for a reason therefore as much as it hurts, deep in my heart I know so did this. I also know, the only way to honour Zalan's memory is by me making a conscious decision to live life with no fear. No fear of the unknown, no fear of judgement, no fear of love, no fear of getting hurt, no fear of being outside my comfort zone. That is his footprint on my life and those are the terms I promised myself to live by. I do have to say, taking the first step with that promise in mind was the hardest! Only 2 days after those waves of emotions started hitting me, our team appreciation surfing treat came at the very right time to test my willingness to keep my promise. As much as I was temped to just cancel on my participation (an hour before setting off my tears of grief were still running like river) I decided to pull myself together and let the waves of the ocean start healing my heart and soul. Coming from a country with no sea, not used to and comfortable with the ocean, I jumped straight into the waves of my fear. And it was the most liberating, both mindful and active thing I have ever done in my life! And I know, he would be very proud of that...

So my message for today is this: Every single day of your life, every single person in your life, every single heartbeat in your life is a gift. Do not take any of it for granted because you never know when the time of a life is up... Live your life fully and on your own terms, make bold choices, love deeply and make sure you never leave words unspoken and experiences unlived because all you have is the NOW. There are no guarantees that we get another chance at doing so tomorrow! And for me, this realisation, this life lesson is a gift from him, which I will dearly cherish forever. Don't wait for loss to hit until you realise how privileged we are to be alive and to be given the free will to live our lives on our own terms! After all, you owe it not only to yourself but also to people who love you to make the most out of this unpredictable and wonderful journey called life. So live, laugh and love wholeheartedly until there is time!

Zalan, tudom hogy az angollal mindig hadilabon altal de azt is tudom hogy ott ahol most vagy, minden szavat ennek a bucsu levelnek pontosan erted. 'Pont egy pillanat eleg ahhoz, hogy eleted konyveben vegre lapozz'. A gyertyafenyes vacsorat amire sose kerult sorunk igerem meguljuk valamelyik kovetkezo eletunkben es kibogozzuk majd ezeket az itteniben osszegabalyodott szalakat...

Addig is, koszonok mindent es kivanom hogy a napsugarak simogassak borostas arcodat!

Szeretettel,

Adel x

Blessings in disguise.

9 months to date today that I set foot on the island. And I haven't left since, this being the longest time I have ever been away from home, family and friends and without a holiday (and sunshine in general). Talking about lockdown and social distancing? Looking back, I can't help but feel like mine had started long before the corona times kicked in, I just wasn't aware of it until they both became word-wide known terms... The island has shattered into pieces that girl who got off that plane in August in more ways that I could have ever imagined and could have prepared for. But you know what? I am so grateful for all the realisations that these turbulent times made me come to. 'Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.' And that road made me become a different person. That road made me find and appreciate blessings in disguise. That road made me reconnect with myself and life more than ever before. That road made me meet my shadows, face and let go of my fears, see my downfalls, find strength within, gain clarity, speak my truth, become comfortable with minimalism, simplicity, solitude and live life with a passion whilst finding joy in moments that before I would have perceived as 'meaningless/ordinary/dull'. That road made me discover my raw and naked soul. And let me tell you, once you step into that state of awareness and alertness within yourself, healing, transformation and empowerment will naturally happen to you, through you, for you and around you.

9 months.

Three house moves.

Starting from a tiny single room in a shared household with 7 middle-aged men, with one bathroom and kitchen for all. After leaving my beloved studio apartment behind in England with only 2 bags of my life on me, those living conditions felt like drastic measures... but they served a great purpose in teaching me how to let go of attachment to comfort- stage 1 of self-discovery. Struggles and discomfort are gifts from the universe if you pay close attention to them. And if you choose to internally grow through those experiences, life will always reward you with an upgrade. Mine came in the form of a 15 m2 studio container box, which as empty as it was when I moved in (I didn't even own a fork), felt like a palace as it was ALL mine! No matter how getting out of bed would mean that I would straight away find myself standing in the 'kitchen', after 3 months I could finally have shower barefoot without my slippers on (little things matter!). And there I was, facing stage 2 of my self-discovery. With winter just starting and me having to walk to town to catch the bus to work, the elements challenged me to let go of attachment to comfort in a different way. With one physical panic attack suffered through one of these walks, words cannot describe the gratitude I feel for my second upgrade that came in the form of the most beautiful 48 m2 flat that I have ever lived in on my own, with walking now not being a must but an option to get to work. And in a place where the flat hunt really is an act of looking for a needle in a haystack, the universe was very loving to me when after me being given notice on my container box, it brought me THE perfect home that I could have ever asked for in a space of a couple of weeks (with more people than living space, it is not unusual even for locals to have to wait months to find something suitable to move to). It's been a real character-building journey, but here I am now in my own spacious, bright, quiet and comfortable bubble where I wake up each morning and go to bed each night with genuine appreciation in my heart and that, I am truly grateful for.

One long, dark and rough Nordic winter.

With my sun-loving spirit and Mediterranean soul, it was the most suffocating, painful, out-of-control and yet the most grounding time of my life to date. In my previous blog piece I was talking about mental health and with the Nordic winter stage 3 of my self-discovery was set into motion, challenging that to the core. As the saying goes 'Sometimes you have to lose yourself completely to find yourself', and I certainly did just that. I have always been a blunt girl not willing to compromise on happiness even if that comes with bold and tough decisions: Your job doesn't make you happy? Change it! Your relationship makes you cry more than laugh? Change it! You don't like the person you are becoming? Change it! You don't feel empowered by the life you live? Change it! But for the very first time in my life, I couldn't physically change the source of discomfort. I couldn't change the fact that a brutal Nordic winter was roaring not only around me but in me as well... And only through this experience I could learn the art of 'surrender'. To accept that what is, is out of my control. To let myself feel, acknowledge and analyse those emotions that came with it because they would lovingly teach me things about myself I have been unaware of until now, with a purpose behind them. Surrendering won't necessarily make you happy but it will bring you peace (I learnt the hard way!). And that, it is one of the most powerful lessons I have ever learnt in life and that, I am truly grateful for.

One (another) failed relationship.

I thought last year was a tough ride when in the space of 24 hours I ended my dysfunctional relationship and quit my career with no job to walk into. Well, try ending your relationship in the middle of corona times, showing the ONLY person his way out the door that could physically bring you comfort in isolation, with no outbound flights to get home to your family this time to help you pick up the pieces like they did last year... But hey, your relationship makes you cry more than laugh? Change it! So I did, stepping into stage 4 of self-discovery. No one likes to broadcast their shortcomings, but I will do it anyway because the last few weeks have given me the time and space I needed to really look within myself and come to some difficult realisations about my accountability for the failure of my past relationships (and there were way too many, which with this one too out the door couldn't go unnoticed!). Although the type of my exes couldn't be further from each other (white/mixed race; brown/blue-eyed; skinny/muscly; long hair/bold; manual labourer/office worker/manager; artist/nerd/intellectual; introvert/extrovert; single/in a relationship/separated with two kids- I am not proud of the 'in a relationship' one but I was young, naive and in love and at that time I didn't know better...we all learn from our mistakes;  Hungarian /Belgian/ Scottish/ British/ Faroese), my choice in men has always had a pattern as I came to acknowledge this time. A pattern that would destine the relationship for failure without fail. A pattern that I created within myself. A pattern that would make me attract men from different backgrounds, different walks of life, different nationalities and with different age gaps and yet, all having the very same impact on my life. And the root of that is within me. I can't help but realise that life always presents us with the same test in different forms to see whether we have learnt our lesson, and until we do, we will always fail the test. Like I have once again... BUT, as much as I cannot speak for what the future holds regarding my love life, I firmly believe that with the conclusions I have come to, I am now allowing myself (for the first time in my life) to break that pattern through doing the work needed within me. And with that, I am giving space for that magical, passionate, extraordinary and unconditional love -in which winter is not the main season- that I am convinced is out there for all of us, if we dare not to settle for less. That space, which starts with self-love and self-awareness. And that space, I am truly grateful for.

One pandemic.

The world is falling apart. But remember, ruin is a gift. We cannot change the uncertainty, the tragedy and misfortune that thousands of people are going through right now but we can change how these turbulent times impact our own lives. Do you pay attention to the messages the universe is trying to send you? Are you finding the blessings in disguise? Has the value of laughter, hug, health and time increased compared to the value of money, success and acquired social status in your life? Are you going to come out of lockdown as a stronger, better, kinder and more compassionate person not taking things you have for granted? Stage 5 of self-discovery. Being officially stuck in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean making this journey emotionally feel like month 9 of walking the Camino on Faroese grounds in solitude. But as much as my heart and soul are longing to be home with my family in these times, this is a life-changing pilgrimage that I have to undertake on my own. I may not know when the time will come when I am able to get on a plane home but one thing I know for sure, for the first time in the 8 years of my wanders, the meaning of home has gained a completely new perspective. And that realisation, I am truly grateful for.

One happy place.

Stage 6 of self-discovery. Life is only worth living on your own terms, doing what you love, loving what you do, no matter what people's perception is of that. I had a hard time learning to disregard the negative judgement that instantly is put on me as a person, on my level of capabilities, intelligence and ambition when someone meeting me for the first time would ask what I do for a living and I would proudly say I make pizzas. And the second those words come out of my mouth, end of discussion, the 'foreign pizza girl' label is on me. So be it (although I would very often like to ask those people how much value their job is adding to their lives...)! Believe me, not in a million years I would have ever imagined that from managing a team in a Caesars Entertainment Venue whilst graduating uni with a 1^st and student of the year award in my pocket in England, I would find passion, love and fulfillment through my babies 🍕 working on an island that I had never heard of before coming here... For the first time in my life, work is my happy bubble, my safe heaven, which got me through a rough start, a dark winter, a painful breakup, the absence of social circle and support system and is getting me through my growing homesickness with a brilliant team and an outstanding boss. It really is my happy place and that, I am truly grateful for.

9 months. One Hungarian girl wandering a long way from home. One island that has become the biggest teacher of my life. A one-way self-discovery journey beyond my wildest dreams. Countless life lessons and blessings in disguise. And all the above, I am truly grateful for.

My message for today: What are YOU grateful for in these turbulent times? Take a pen and paper, write them down for yourself and absorb those feel-good energies that come with each word! Having a bad day? Read through your list to remind yourself you are loved!

Happy Tuesday 🦋 x

Surrender.

The last few weeks brought me some valuable lessons along what I consider to be my spiritual journey on the island, and they have been far from pleasant... And because it is OK not to be OK when you are going through hard times, after my 'Love letter to life' I am dedicating this piece to speak up about mental health. A term that in my opinion is treated by many to be as taboo to openly speak about as it is sex and yet, all aspects that determine our quality of life root from our mental state. So in this twisted world of oversharing our happy moments (which sometimes are only seemingly happy), opinion, outrage and disappointment on social media (and even if you are not one to share much of it, you are inevitably hit by what you find on your newsfeed scrolling down), let's make some space for what truly matters, and that is YOU...and I really mean the core of you!

Talking from my personal experience, here is what I know. When you are in control of your mental health and not your mental health in control of you, you have more physical energy, you get out of bed ready to take on the world. You feel inspired and motivated. You face and overcome challenges with more ease and clarity, you tackle anything coming your way with a 'how can this be solved?' attitude (the glass is half full) instead of a 'how can this NOT be solved?' attitude (the glass is half empty). Your focus is sharper, and you focus on the right things. Your temper is calmer and you react to stress in a more composed manner. Your work performance is better, you find yourself naturally more productive and proactive. Your relationships are more stable and meaningful, and you nurture them. You are able to express love and care for others in a deeper way because you consciously exercise self-love and self-care (remember, you can't pour from an empty glass). You smile and make other people smile. You are radiant, with positive vibes that shine from the inside. You find beauty in the little things. You feel grateful. You sleep better. You eat better. Your thoughts compose a gentle but empowering melody in your head instead of constant and intimidating noise. You are in your happy place (at least, this is how I would describe my happy place, a state of euphoria in which I am in complete control over my thoughts, feelings and emotions).

Now, let's see (again, talking from my personal experience), what those factors are that influence our mental state regardless how much credit we give to them: private life, family life, social life, work life (so far, the list is quite obvious, right?!) and the physical factors of our surroundings (adding this to my list was a game changer as I have only just acknowledged the power of it!). Well, the last few weeks made me feel like I have been trading on very thin ice in many of those areas. Most people aim to eliminate risk factors in their lives (the ice is less likely to break in your comfort zone), but I have always been an 'all-in' kind of girl, trusting that everything coming my way is there with a purpose to make me grow, learn and develop a deeper understanding of the world and of myself. And that process of growth can get very painful and turbulent, resulting in times when both the inside and outside world feel like a battlefield making you feel extremely fragile and vulnerable. You feel completely out of touch with yourself and you start experiencing the opposite effect of all the above listed signs of being in your happy place. First, your mental health (just like your physical body would) is sending you signals that it feels weak- at this stage, the emotional suffering is occasional and if you can find the root in one of the 5 influencing factors and solve the cause, you can bring it back to balance without major outbreaks. If you decide not to or don't know how to act on those signals, the process moves into the next stage with alarms of it falling ill. At this stage, the emotional suffering becomes more than just having a bad day and the feeling of discomfort becomes stronger and stronger. And when you try to suppress those negative emotions instead of working through and liberating them, they start accumulating and eventually take over your mental health- at this stage, the mind has already fallen ill. Before you know it, you find yourself in a big, dark and scary hole that feels extremely lonely. And whether you like to admit it or not, we have all been there at some points in our lives, the only question is how quickly we manage to bounce back...

It's been a tough winter. Private life: Challenging. I found love (or rather love found me) bringing alongside those butterflies, certain factors into my life that I have no control over and yet, they indirectly have a huge influence on me. Family life: Distant. The first time in years I couldn't spend Christmas with my family (a special year when all my extended family living abroad got together to spend the holidays back home) and as much as I have learnt to accept missing out on important family gatherings over the years, my heart was truly bleeding this time. Social life: Absent. My phone didn't stop ringing on New Year's Eve with people close to my heart checking in on me, which made me feel very grateful for my wonderful friends -my chosen family away from my family- with whom strings don't seem to have loosened despite the distance, but being reminded of the buzzing social circle and support system I had left behind with my move to the island also brought a sinking feeling (being a social person with a nearly non-existent social life here is a difficult one to process...). Work life: My sunshine. It proved to be my shelter, soul-retreat and source for endorphins getting me through this winter (even if my babies may make me crippled in my wrists and shoulders eventually :D). Physical factors: Rough AF. Lack of daylight, storms with crazy winds, icy roads (on which you can barely stand on your two feet, making it quite challenging if you have to walk to the bus or to get your grocery shopping done like I do). So this is what my 5 influencing factors looked like over the past few months in a nut shell, resulting in:

One panic attack (and I really mean a literal one, and I am not one to get those often!) caused by the strong wind pushing me in front of a car when I couldn't hold my balance in the storm on my way home from grocery shopping (the most out-of-control experience I have ever had!). Restless nights filled with vivid nightmares (my dreams have always been vivid but I never went through a period of this many troubling dreams!). Cooking for survival rather than with a passion, with not much appetite (being as foodie as I am, big warning sign!). Zero kms run (with a marathon coming up in 4 months, even bigger warning sign!). Weeks when even with 9-10 hours of sleep I could hardly get myself out of bed (I had never been one to fall into the 'polar bear' syndrome wanting to sleep through winter before!). And when I wasn't running around war zones in dreamland, that constant noise in my awake head seemed to have returned (the same noise that after years finally stopped when I arrived to this peaceful place in August)...

Doesn't sound like my happy place, right?! So I did what any sun-loving vegan living on the island would do in their right mind, I went to get my blood tested being convinced I must have some kind of vitamin deficiency making me feel this way. And surprise, surprise, the doctor told me my blood results couldn't be better, and being a vegan here that really is something! Then he added, this being my first winter here, it is only natural that psychologically I am having a hard time and told me to hang in there because better days are coming... Knowing that my symptoms weren't rooting from a physical cause, I knew I had to look inward and analyse what was really going on at my core. I am somewhat familiar with this analysis process from last January when the findings of it were very obvious: I was in a dysfunctional relationship and in a job that was killing my soul so it was 'easy' to know how to change those factors. But this time, well, this time the lesson seemed to be very different: surrender...

The main teaching of mindfulness is to accept what is, and as the saying goes: 'When you can't control what's happening, challenge yourself to control how you respond to it. That is where your power lies.' Am I in a challenging relationship? Yes, but I love my man enough not to run away just because things are not straight-forward, good things never come easy! Do I feel further from my family than ever before? Yes, but they are still just one phone call and plane ticket away! Does my social life look very different to the one I left behind? Yes, but as small as my circle is here, it is full of wonderful people loving, supporting and caring for me! Am I among the few lucky people who do what they love and love what they do for a living? Yes, I found magic! And last but very much not least, is winter tough on the island? Yes it very much is, but if I survived this winter, there really is nothing I can't survive because as my Mum always says, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger!

So my message for today is: It is OK not to be OK, speak up when you feel down so people that love and care for you can help you through the winters of life, don't suffer in silence (even if it is just a bad day)! But remember, no one can do the analysis of where you stand in the matrix of those influencing factors for you! Check in with yourself regularly, pay close attention to your thoughts, feelings and emotions to keep your mental health in balance. And if you find certain areas of your life out of balance, change for the better what you have control over and accept what you don't, either way the choice is always yours. So instead of trying to fight the forces, learn to play with the wind and create your own sunshine even on days when the sun doesn't seem to come up! Last week I had to say goodbye to a dear friend who grew close to my heart and his last words of wisdom to me were before exiting the island for good: 'Adel, always remember that you are at the core of your own universe!'. And so are YOU of yours! 

Happy Tuesday 🦋 x