All my life if anyone
asked me what my biggest fear is, my answer would always be that one
day I receive a phone call that changes everything forever because
there will be no more time. No more time to reach out to that person,
no more time to look into that person's eyes, no more time to hear
that person's voice, no more time to exchange thoughts, feelings,
dreams and fears with that person, no more time to make memories
together because all you have of that person is memories in itself...
The time of those heartbeats, the time of that person in this
existence is up. There is no more time to make up for the time you
have lost, no more time to have one last conversation, no more time
to express your gratitude for their presence in your life, no more
time to speak those unspoken words, no more time to say your goodbye.
And for the first time
in my life, having no more time makes me late, so very late... I am
two years late since our last conversation (which I would have never
assumed was going to be our very last one) and one year late with my
grief. Yes, that is how much you can let yourself lose touch with
someone you deeply care about that it takes you a whole year to
accidentally find out that they are gone, for good. I have always
been a girl trying to life by the saying 'In the end, we only regret
chances we didn't take.', a girl who has always taken chances no
matter how bold, how scary, how 'out-of-my-comfort zone' they might
be because when I get to the end of my road, I want to look back and
see a fully lived life behind me, not an empty one filled with
regrets. And yet, here I am for the first time ever, with this
unfamiliar, heavy and painful feeling called regret. I now understand
what regret feels like because two years ago I made a decision driven
by fear.
Our story with Zalan started 10 years ago and as we always
joked about it since, we used to have this boomerang effect on each
other's life. I would be gone for a long time, then go home for a
visit, we would see each other and have the most wonderful and
soulful conversations, then I would leave again, we would both get
back to our everyday lives with sometimes exchanging messages,
checking in on each other until the boomerang effect would hit the
next time again we see each other in person. And years were running
by, we could go months, even years without being in touch but the
boomerang effect would repeat itself over and over pulling us like
magnets to meet each other again and again (even if we didn't plan
to, we would still bump into each other every time). Until, there we
were two years ago, adults, both single, trying to make sense of why
our paths were still crossing each other's after all those years...on the edge of willingness to finally give into the sparks that we
always had between us, on the edge of willingness to throw
all logic out the window that had kept us away from ever doing that
(I had my life settled in Manchester with no plans to move back home
and he had his life settled in my hometown). Zalan bought a plane
ticket to Manchester to come and visit me for a few days to show how
willing he was to give up his life back home, if we decided to
finally give us a chance, together... And two weeks before his flight
I got scared. For the first time in my life, I was terrified by
giving love a chance. I was scared of the responsibility that comes
with someone moving out of their comfort zone for me, I was scared of
what people back home might think if this wasn't working out, I was
scared to get scares on my heart again. So in our very last phone
conversation I asked him not to come. Driven by fear of the unknown,
I told him I couldn't put him or myself through this. He understood
it, he respected it but he also made me promise that this was the
last time we let this boomerang effect turn each other's lives upside
down. He did add that this promise wouldn't apply for our next lives
because he believed that then we could maybe get a chance to change
the ending of our story, and he promised to be waiting for our next
boomerang effect there and then with a place in his heart for me. And
with that said, we parted for the very last time...
Zalan committed suicide
a year ago. My family knew that the news would break me down and they
decided not to tell me about it until I am home the next time so I
wouldn't have to face grief alone in the distance. They also knew
that the chances of me finding out about it living so far away were
very slim. And they were right in both regards. The news even two
years after our last contact shattered me into pieces and the chances
of me finding out about Zalan being gone were that slim that it took
my intuition a whole year to wake up and realise that it had been
long since I saw any of his social media activity. So as you do
living in the 21st century, you go onto facebook and start
searching among your list of friends. No results found. By this, I
wasn't that surprised since our thinking was quite similar in many
ways, I simply thought he must have blocked me to ensure I couldn't
get in touch with him even if I wanted to break my promise. So Google
came next. And there it was, his picture and date of death. And that
sinking feeling of shock, loss, sadness and remorse hitting me like
strong waves of grief because all the sudden the chance to ever solve
our 'unfinished business', at least in this lifetime, perished.
Instead, what there was, all these 'what could have, would have,
should have' monologues running through my head and heart. And that
is the most painful state I have ever found myself in because for the first time in my life there is no more time to change
the storyline, I cannot hope that fate will make us bump into each
other again the next time I am home so I can say all the things I
didn't the last time we spoke.
Last week I came across
an audio recording of a Tony Robbins seminar that left me with a
powerful message resonating. He was talking about how we, as
individuals, are in charge of and responsible for our own emotions.
He said no one and nothing can make you feel a certain way, it is YOU who gives
into and gets consumed by that particular (negative/
character-testing) emotion without questioning or navigating it. It
is only YOU who can turn that emotion around in a constructive way,
neutralising your perception of what triggered that emotion. And as
the ONLY thing we have control over in this world is ourselves, he
suggested that the next time a particular character-testing emotion
arises, a simple question would be asked: 'What else could this
mean?'. So after two days of uncontrollable tears and immerse pain of
loss, I decided to ask myself the same question... What else could Zalan's
death mean for my life? And the answer from the universe came
loud and clear as his legacy: 'Live, laugh and love wholeheartedly
until there is time'.
I truly believe
everything happens for a reason therefore as much as it hurts, deep
in my heart I know so did this. I also know, the only way to honour
Zalan's memory is by me making a conscious decision to live life with no
fear. No fear of the unknown, no fear of judgement, no fear of love,
no fear of getting hurt, no fear of being outside my comfort zone.
That is his footprint on my life and those are the terms I promised
myself to live by. I do have to
say, taking the first step with that promise in mind was the hardest!
Only 2 days after those waves of emotions started hitting me, our
team appreciation surfing treat came at the very right time to test
my willingness to keep my promise. As much as I was temped to just
cancel on my participation (an hour before setting off my tears of
grief were still running like river) I decided to pull myself
together and let the waves of the ocean start healing my heart and
soul. Coming from a country with no sea, not used to and comfortable
with the ocean, I jumped straight into the waves of my fear. And it
was the most liberating, both mindful and active thing I have ever
done in my life! And I know, he would be very proud of that...
So my message for today
is this: Every single day of your life, every single person in your
life, every single heartbeat in your life is a gift. Do not take any
of it for granted because you never know when the time of a life is
up... Live your life fully and on your own terms, make bold choices,
love deeply and make sure you never leave words unspoken and
experiences unlived because all you have is the NOW. There are no
guarantees that we get another chance at doing so tomorrow! And for
me, this realisation, this life lesson is a gift from him, which I
will dearly cherish forever. Don't wait for loss to hit until you realise how privileged we are to be alive and to be given the free
will to live our lives on our own terms! After all, you owe it not
only to yourself but also to people who love you to make the most out
of this unpredictable and wonderful journey called life. So live,
laugh and love wholeheartedly until there is time!
Zalan, tudom hogy az
angollal mindig hadilabon altal de azt is tudom hogy ott ahol most
vagy, minden szavat ennek a bucsu levelnek pontosan erted. 'Pont egy
pillanat eleg ahhoz, hogy eleted konyveben vegre lapozz'. A
gyertyafenyes vacsorat amire sose kerult sorunk igerem meguljuk
valamelyik kovetkezo eletunkben es kibogozzuk majd ezeket az
itteniben osszegabalyodott szalakat...
Addig is, koszonok
mindent es kivanom hogy a napsugarak simogassak borostas arcodat!
Szeretettel,
Adel x
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